I recently had a epiphany. Well, OK, it was more a sexual awakening.

I hit middle age with a rude thump. The landing was rough and sudden because I spent years dealing with serious but non-contagious illness. It was like I put myself on hold. Time marched on. The illness is resolved, and here I am, older than I expected in an alien body.

A bit of background. I am married and I have been with this man for about 20 years, since we were quite young. I was a very attractive girl, blonde, big blue eyes, big tits, athletic. I was able to keep up with the boys fixing cars, skiing and climbing rocks. I could instantly clean up, slip on the little dress and turn on the girly charm as needed. I knew how to knock a man off his rocker and I could get whatever I wanted. I was adventurous, confident, smart, and also very sexually active. Never careless, mind you, but I was never home alone on the weekend. Before becoming serious about my husband, Jack, I had a lot of friends, kissing friends and fuck buddies. Jack was a friend of a boyfriend and we initially met at age 17. He was the tall, dark and dangerous kind. Jack and I orbited each other for a while and had other serious entanglements before we hooked up (think slamming into each other with incredible heat).

Over the 20 years, child rearing and illness sort of made us go through the motions for a while. I did not think about sex like I used to, or like I am right now. I might have even been a bit squeamish about some sex, as I was definitely not feeling sexy. Jack patiently stood by. Sex may not be the end all and be all of a marriage, in fact it really comes second to other more intimate emotions, but it is the extra glue that binds.

We have never been disengaged totally, just not blazing with passion. We’re still inseparable best friends (IM, SMS, email, phone and video texting when we are apart for any period of time). We have enjoyed raising our kids. I find that I crave any kind of time with Jack deep within my core.

Recently, I was alerted to the notion that he might form relationships with other women. They could be affectionate and confiding and if not careful they could lead to serious emotional attachments on either side. We had a blow up over a co-worker. Jack insisted that it was platonic. What he meant was that it was not sexual. I thought about it for a while, with the evidence I had. As it turns out, sexual was not what I feared. I’m afraid I will lose his intimate friendship and that since I was not working with him, she would have more in common than we would. I did not want him to be “in love” with anyone else.

That said, I do not relish the idea of my husband and lover, sneaking around fucking people on the side. Fucking however is not where I feel the most possessive. Interestingly enough, thinking about Jack fucking anyone including me makes me absolutely soaking wet. I know how good he was at seducing me and plenty of other girls in college. Jack is a very exciting and skilled lover and he has an easy flirtatious way about him. He is not a tamed family man by a long shot. It would be very hot to see him pleasure another woman. It would be fun to see Jack completely excited. It would be super fun to help.

Conversely, the idea of me having sex with any man but him is unnerving. I certainly could never cheat. I have turned away any advances without hesitation. I could not initiate a multi-person encounter myself.

I’ll admit to being selfish and I don’t want to give more of his time to other people than I already have to.

Somewhere in all of this, I took inventory my body, my mind. I’ve decided I will live with the parts of the body (esp. age) that I cannot change and fix whatever I can. I am already confident of my mind and my professional accomplishments. Next up, I analyzed my emotional state and decided it was time to part with things that were not productive. I might not be the little hottie I was before, but I can be sexy and I can be an excellent sex partner.

If you could not tell already, this is when my sex drive switch was thrown to ON. I know I can sate this man and my urges, too. No time like now.

Now everything sex is intriguing, if not appealing. I am walking around with the female version of a hard on. A wet on? I am hungry. Ravenously, spine-bending, wrap-my-legs-around, lift my skirt and bend way over, give me some cock now, hungry.

So this is where I plan to write down the sexual journey we’ve taken and about to embark on. It feels a bit like a brand new relationship — except that we’re not awkwardly bumping teeth and noses and fumbling for parts. Jack says he feels like he won the lottery.

More later.

Staying married takes work, but years of hot, sweaty, nasty fun make it all worthwhile. Tune in soon and we’ll talk about how we manage to keep it going.